Week 4: At the End

 

It's been a tough week.

Highlights included learning more about astral photography and visiting a couple new restaurants. "Bloopers" included (but were not limited to) the worst mental health spat in a few years. 

At the core of it all, one of my biggest fears emerged -- the fear that I will never be truly loved by anyone.

I am the personality type one might call "The Giver". I give and give until I have nothing left. I find this is closely linked to the deepest and most cherished Core Value I have -- that is, charity. The pure and unconditional love of Christ. 

And yet, I find the deepest sorrows I experience come because I also want reciprocation for my love. I am one of seven children, sandwiched between five boys, and it's safe to say our household was not very affectionate growing up. Many times when I do something kind, I am hoping for equal kindness in return. This is not pure, selfless love -- it's a transaction. This hurt me to realize.

However, in pondering my own state of miserable martyrdom this week, I learned a lot of things. My friend took me out to dinner one night, and on our way there, he said something like, "To me, the most virtuous and wonderful thing someone can be is self-sacrificing. However, sacrifice is predicated on the idea that the thing being given up is precious to you."

That took me a minute to chew on. In John 15:13 Christ says, "Greater love hath no man than this; that he lay down his life for his friends." However, how much would that gift truly be worth if that person did not value his own life? That isn't so much a sacrifice as it is a donation, and donations rarely have the clarifying and refining power of a sacrifice.

The solution, then? Learn to love myself. By doing so -- by making sure my life is a precious gift to me, always -- I become capable of deeper, more profound levels of love, because I am capable of truly great and noble sacrifice.

At the end of my life, I want it to be said that I loved with perfect, unending love. And the way to bridge the gap is by learning to love myself.